Complacency.

This single word sums up my life as of late. I have become complacent in so many areas of my life, and quite frankly, it's hurting me. As I was at church tonight, this word struck me during our time of worship. Our worship pastor Cory was speaking some heartfelt words (as he often does) between songs. I don't even remember entirely what he was saying, but I know he asked who was having one of "those" kinds of weeks. I couldn't help but raise my hand. Now, what exactly one of "those" weeks is could vary from person to person, but all I knew was...I have been having one...but it hasn't just been a week.

The song Cory led us in after his thoughts and a shared prayer was a classic song I've known for a long time called "Enough". If you aren't familiar with the song, here are the lyrics:

Enough - Chris Tomlin

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You’re my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
You’re the coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me

During this song I couldn't help but break down. I was singing these profound words, yet I knew in my heart these words did not match up with the attitude I've had lately. I have not been living convinced of God's supremacy. I have not been convinced that He truly is ALL I need. I have been justifying needing to fill voids with other earthly things in order to feel whole, yet I was singing about God being more than enough for me. My heart was pained with the realization of just where I have been lately.

My heart has been complacent.

For months now I've been drying up spiritually, as if I were a shriveled apple fallen from the tree and rotting on the ground. I have been detached, drained, and distant. I've been putting on the happy face, keeping the small talk going with people when necessary, and just going through the motions to make it appear as if things are okay. I began to believe in my heart of hearts that this way of living was okay. I accepted my dry spirit, lack of accountability, and depression as just how things were going to be for me. I've gotten complacent with feeling lonely, lost, and confused.

 

Today I finally verbalized to a close friend that I was pretty sure I have slipped into a depression. This was the first time I'd put words to the emotion I'd been feeling for several months, and it scared me. I wavered on whether or not to attend church this weekend (I've been very good at finding excuses not to go for a couple months). I decided to drag myself there, put on the happy face, and fake it with people who have known me for years. Of course, once I was there the Lord immediately began to stir up the things in my heart and it was clear He had some business to do with me before I left.

During that song God begged me to allow Him back into the deepest places of my heart that I have once again closed off to Him. He spoke gently to me, reminding me that the people, things, and feelings I've been clinging to will do nothing for me, but rather that He is the one who can fill the voids. He is the one who can heal me and make me new. He is the one who can restore me and give me life once more. 

Following that song we had a time of Communion, and upon returning to my seat with the elements, I could not bring myself to take them without confessing some things to another dear friend I was sitting next to. I poured my heart out to her and she prayed for me, she prayed with me. Even after that precious time, I sat motionless as though I could not justify taking Communion with my heart so hardened to the Lord. I was appalled at where I'd let myself fall to. I felt so distant and removed from the life with Jesus I had grown accustomed to. Anger, pain, frustration, fear, worry, hatred, and justification of sin had taken the place of love, joy, peace, grace, holiness, patience, and determination. I realized I had become a different person entirely. After I felt as though I'd already been sitting there for an eternity, I heard my friend whisper to me, "You have already been forgiven..." Upon hearing those words, I sensed the Lord again. He was agreeing with those words, and was wrapping me in His arms.

I have been finding excuses for my behavior, emotions, and choices. I have allowed myself to become complacent and accept a life that was NOT pleasing to God, but I didn't care. Tonight I realized that head on and refuse to allow the enemy to have that kind of hold on my life. As the church service continued the word I could not get out of my head was "victory". I want victory in my life. Victory comes from Jesus alone, but He offers victory over everything...victory over sin, victory over death, victory over depression, victory over helplessness, victory over anger, victory over needs and wants, victory over selfishness...I could go on and on.

I am claiming victory tonight, victory in Jesus. He has conquered my battles for me, the fight has been fought and won. Praise God.

I'm a work in progress, as I've said before, and I have a LONG way to go, but tonight I am singing that song again in a different way. I'm believing it this time. God, You ARE more than enough for me...