Well, I completely failed at my ambitious goal for the day (see previous blog from yesterday). I woke up, and for about three and a half minutes I felt awesome. Then I realized the stress I've been under has worked its way into a knot (to put it kindly) in my right shoulder/neck/head/back area. I looked like the hunchback. That set my morning into slow-down mode, which meant I ran behind schedule simply because I couldn't move as fast as normal due to pain. Anxiety set in about eighteen minutes after being awake, realizing what was likely to await me at school. This grew over the course of my getting ready and driving to work.
I sat in my car for a good four minutes in the parking lot before braving the building. The morning went as I had feared. There were looks from coworkers, side conversations happening behind closed doors, and then the final professional conversation I attempted to have (with the coworker who was not at the meeting Friday) left me wanting to punch a wall (or a person).
Anyone who knows me well knows I have a short fuse. I have worked hard most of my adult life to keep my temper under control, but I am one who is regularly challenged by what is written in James 1:19-20...
"19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."
I know that my quickness to anger doesn't lead to God's glory being revealed. Every single day I am challenged by these verses to keep myself in check, to be quick to listen - to truly hear others - and slow to react.
Today, I failed this challenge miserably. While I didn't lash out verbally in the ways I have in the past, I found myself lashing out mentally and within the safety of the presence of trusted people. My heart was hardened and bitter, and I was far from bringing glory to God today.
Reflecting back on this, I see how God is directing me to work on this area of my life. You see, God knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows us so well, that He knows how we are going to react before we do. I'm starting to realize this stressful situation at work is an opportunity to improve my walk with the Lord. God is giving me the opportunity daily (really more like hourly) to choose to do the right thing. He is giving me interactions that will provide me the choice of one of two reactions - live out James 1:19-20 and be a witness and an example of Christ, or don't and fall into the trap of the world that causes more pain.
Today I chose the latter. Tomorrow, I hope to say I choose the former, and I will wake up with the intent of doing so. And while I know that we all fall short of perfection, I also know that God is doing a good work in me, and He has promised to see that good work through to the end. This means there's hope for me yet.
Praise Jesus that I am a work in progress and that His mercies are new each day.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
I refuse to give in.
I love having a holiday fall on a Monday.
It would be hard to find someone who truly loves Mondays at work, and while we will always have a start to our work week and thus a proverbial "Monday" of some kind, there is something truly gratifying about having the actual day off. However, as wonderful as having today of has been, I am now preparing for my work week with some angst.
If you read my last blog it detailed an interaction I had with my fellow department members on Friday afternoon before we left for this long weekend. I left feeling relieved and as though I'd made major headway in gaining some confidence. Well, now with the new week looming mere hours away, I find myself dreading that frightful walk back through the doors of our school.
I have no idea what the reaction will be when I arrive at work tomorrow, but based on Friday and based on what I know about my coworkers already, I have drummed up what I believe is a fairly reasonable scene that will likely play out. It involves me being ignored, glared at, and possibly, if conditions are right, talked about behind my back. There's also the extreme scenario which involves some yelling, swearing and/or belittling comments - but that will all depend on the alignment of the stars and how tightly bunched my coworkers panties are in the morning.
Frankly, I'm nervous to return to work tomorrow. I love my students, I'm excited about what I'll be teaching them and the new unit we are starting. I'm excited to have them sit on the carpet and read them a story (in middle school math class!) and relate it to our new unit. However, I fear the guys next door to me. Of course no one should *fear* going to work, but I think more often than not people do to some degree. Most people could probably find one or two or twelve things that cause them angst about their job. Some have legitimate legal complaints they could make. Others are more of the small-scale variety, but still valid none the less.
I could (and might) sit up all night fretting about what my morning interactions will look like. That is exactly what the Enemy wants me to do. He would love it if I get little sleep, have anxiety, fret and fear things I can't control, and ultimately let my guard down and end up saying or doing something out of character. Well, I refuse to give in to his plot.
In Romans 8:31-39 Paul declares something pretty powerful that gives me confidence tonight. Check out this promise:
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[j]
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (New International Version - www.biblegateway.com)
To make this completely applicable to my current situation I'm going to add a few things to that last verse: "...neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation (including coworkers, work drama, and my own self doubt), will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom. 8:39 - New International Kelsey Version).
Wow. Powerful words right there. Verse 31 reminds us that with God on our side of the battle, who even stands a chance against us? The rest of the passage goes on to illustrate that - despite the best efforts of the world around us (including Satan) - God's grip on us is so mighty that we will never be separated from Him, regardless of the situations surrounding us in our current state.
This gives me hope tonight. I know that regardless of the battlefield I may walk into tomorrow morning, God is on my side. He has a purpose and a plan, and He is fighting my battles on my behalf. I refuse to give into the lie that I'm going at it alone, and I refuse to give in to the temptation to sink to the level of this world. I will stand with Christ beside me, and uphold His glory through my thoughts, words, and actions.
Tomorrow I will focus on my students, since after all, they're the reason I'm there in the first place.
It would be hard to find someone who truly loves Mondays at work, and while we will always have a start to our work week and thus a proverbial "Monday" of some kind, there is something truly gratifying about having the actual day off. However, as wonderful as having today of has been, I am now preparing for my work week with some angst.
If you read my last blog it detailed an interaction I had with my fellow department members on Friday afternoon before we left for this long weekend. I left feeling relieved and as though I'd made major headway in gaining some confidence. Well, now with the new week looming mere hours away, I find myself dreading that frightful walk back through the doors of our school.
I have no idea what the reaction will be when I arrive at work tomorrow, but based on Friday and based on what I know about my coworkers already, I have drummed up what I believe is a fairly reasonable scene that will likely play out. It involves me being ignored, glared at, and possibly, if conditions are right, talked about behind my back. There's also the extreme scenario which involves some yelling, swearing and/or belittling comments - but that will all depend on the alignment of the stars and how tightly bunched my coworkers panties are in the morning.
Frankly, I'm nervous to return to work tomorrow. I love my students, I'm excited about what I'll be teaching them and the new unit we are starting. I'm excited to have them sit on the carpet and read them a story (in middle school math class!) and relate it to our new unit. However, I fear the guys next door to me. Of course no one should *fear* going to work, but I think more often than not people do to some degree. Most people could probably find one or two or twelve things that cause them angst about their job. Some have legitimate legal complaints they could make. Others are more of the small-scale variety, but still valid none the less.
I could (and might) sit up all night fretting about what my morning interactions will look like. That is exactly what the Enemy wants me to do. He would love it if I get little sleep, have anxiety, fret and fear things I can't control, and ultimately let my guard down and end up saying or doing something out of character. Well, I refuse to give in to his plot.
In Romans 8:31-39 Paul declares something pretty powerful that gives me confidence tonight. Check out this promise:
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[j]
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (New International Version - www.biblegateway.com)
To make this completely applicable to my current situation I'm going to add a few things to that last verse: "...neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation (including coworkers, work drama, and my own self doubt), will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom. 8:39 - New International Kelsey Version).
Wow. Powerful words right there. Verse 31 reminds us that with God on our side of the battle, who even stands a chance against us? The rest of the passage goes on to illustrate that - despite the best efforts of the world around us (including Satan) - God's grip on us is so mighty that we will never be separated from Him, regardless of the situations surrounding us in our current state.
This gives me hope tonight. I know that regardless of the battlefield I may walk into tomorrow morning, God is on my side. He has a purpose and a plan, and He is fighting my battles on my behalf. I refuse to give into the lie that I'm going at it alone, and I refuse to give in to the temptation to sink to the level of this world. I will stand with Christ beside me, and uphold His glory through my thoughts, words, and actions.
Tomorrow I will focus on my students, since after all, they're the reason I'm there in the first place.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Nerves of Steel. Or Jell-o.
Yesterday I did something that was light years out of my comfort zone. I confronted people. And when I say confronted people, I mean PEOPLE...as in multiple persons. This wasn't just a one on one confrontation, this was me confronting a group of people I perceive to be incredibly intimidating - my coworkers.
I'm the newbie of our group by far. The majority of my department has been working together for 7+ years. That's part of the problem. Complacency and a lack of appreciation for change has dug deep ruts into the ground of our department over the years. I was hired primarily because our team leader saw a spark in me that was fresh, new, and open to bringing a different perspective to light. She wanted me on board to help her with some of these changes. Not everyone was so open.
Without going into all the boring politics of it all, it basically went like this: I had some concerns which I took to my direct supervisor (our vice principal) yesterday morning. Her suggestion was a team meeting after school in which I address these concerns with the group and share my heart, hoping that hearing these things directly from me would fall on receptive ears instead of deaf ones. I was terrified of this thought. I hate confrontation, I hate challenging people, I hate upsetting people, I hate drama, and I hate potentially causing people to think less of me or something of the sort.
Put bluntly, confrontation isn't my "thing". It never has been.
I realized that my supervisor was right, though. I had to take the reigns on this one and share from my heart, my emotion, and my feelings. I couldn't just give her the responsibility of once again approaching them with concerns. We've taken that road, it leads no where. So I agreed to the meeting, and spent the better part of my day worried.
I sat wringing my hands while my students took a final test. In the silence of my classroom my heart was pounding, hands shaking, stomach churning, and knees knocking. I literally thought I was going to throw up into my garbage can at one point. I couldn't eat lunch for fear of what would happen after. I spent part of one class period typing my thoughts and feelings into a cohesive statement that I could refer to when addressing the group.
Overall, I was freaking out.
I've always struggled with confidence in speaking my mind in situations like this. I don't know why, but it has been a lifelong battle. However, yesterday, I faced that struggle head on.
After school, our team sat down and I shared directly from my heart (well, I read from the paper I wrote earlier, but same thing). I shared my frustrations, my concerns, my feelings, and my perceptions. I was shaking as I read the paper, and my voice cracked on more than one occasion as I spoke through tears.
I won't go into what happened next, because there is still a lot to be said, processed, and worked through, I really don't know what the outcome will be. However I do know one thing, I faced a fear head on and did something that gave me a boost in confidence in my workplace. I know there could be fallout and there could be drama, but at least I've taken the step to speak my mind freely and respectfully share my concerns with my coworkers. I feel as if I have opened a gate to allow more honest communication between me and them, and if nothing else, at least they heard me yesterday. It may not change anything, it may make things worse. All I know is my heart is lighter because I took that step and said what needed to be said.
Sometimes confrontation is easy, sometimes it's difficult. I don't really know anyone out there who likes conflict or likes to confront people. I do know that Jesus set an example for confrontation in the Bible. He confronted people on many occasions, and it didn't always look the same. Sometimes He overturned tables at the temple and raised His voice in anger (see Matthew 21:12-13 or Mark 11:15-17). Other times He confronted people in love and gently challenged them to change, like the adulteress woman to whom He simply said, "Go on your way. From now on, don't sin," (see John 8:1-11).
Jesus gives us many more examples of confrontation throughout His walk on this earth, but one thing is always clear. Whether He confronts boldly like at the temple or softly like with the adulteress woman, He confronted with purpose and in love. His anger at the temple came from passion and desire for people to understand and respect that place of worship. His softness with the adulteress came from a deep place of mercy and desire to see her turn from her ways into a walk that would be fulfilling and life-giving.
As with anything, Jesus is our ultimate example of confronting in love. Ephesians 4:15 reminds us to "speak the truth in love" with the purpose behind it being growth. Jesus always pushes us to grow, and confrontation is an avenue of growth. Confronting in love forces a challenge to change something, and encouraging growth by all parties involved.
Growing isn't easy or pain-free. Just think back to when you were a pre-teen and your body would just ache for days on end as your bones and muscles grew. The process can hurt or leave us feeling (or looking) awkward for a season. If you don't believe me, go find a picture of yourself from middle school. One thing we do know is that growth leads to something. It is a process with an outcome, and that outcome leaves us better off than when we started, even if the process was painful or uncomfortable for a time.
Consider the people in your life. Is there someone the Lord is encouraging you to lovingly confront? Whatever you're considering, remember that confrontation in love leads to growth, confrontation out of anything else leads to hurt. Having a heart of love and desire to reveal truth is the spirit of confrontation Jesus calls us to.
I'm the newbie of our group by far. The majority of my department has been working together for 7+ years. That's part of the problem. Complacency and a lack of appreciation for change has dug deep ruts into the ground of our department over the years. I was hired primarily because our team leader saw a spark in me that was fresh, new, and open to bringing a different perspective to light. She wanted me on board to help her with some of these changes. Not everyone was so open.
Without going into all the boring politics of it all, it basically went like this: I had some concerns which I took to my direct supervisor (our vice principal) yesterday morning. Her suggestion was a team meeting after school in which I address these concerns with the group and share my heart, hoping that hearing these things directly from me would fall on receptive ears instead of deaf ones. I was terrified of this thought. I hate confrontation, I hate challenging people, I hate upsetting people, I hate drama, and I hate potentially causing people to think less of me or something of the sort.
Put bluntly, confrontation isn't my "thing". It never has been.
I realized that my supervisor was right, though. I had to take the reigns on this one and share from my heart, my emotion, and my feelings. I couldn't just give her the responsibility of once again approaching them with concerns. We've taken that road, it leads no where. So I agreed to the meeting, and spent the better part of my day worried.
I sat wringing my hands while my students took a final test. In the silence of my classroom my heart was pounding, hands shaking, stomach churning, and knees knocking. I literally thought I was going to throw up into my garbage can at one point. I couldn't eat lunch for fear of what would happen after. I spent part of one class period typing my thoughts and feelings into a cohesive statement that I could refer to when addressing the group.
Overall, I was freaking out.
I've always struggled with confidence in speaking my mind in situations like this. I don't know why, but it has been a lifelong battle. However, yesterday, I faced that struggle head on.
After school, our team sat down and I shared directly from my heart (well, I read from the paper I wrote earlier, but same thing). I shared my frustrations, my concerns, my feelings, and my perceptions. I was shaking as I read the paper, and my voice cracked on more than one occasion as I spoke through tears.
I won't go into what happened next, because there is still a lot to be said, processed, and worked through, I really don't know what the outcome will be. However I do know one thing, I faced a fear head on and did something that gave me a boost in confidence in my workplace. I know there could be fallout and there could be drama, but at least I've taken the step to speak my mind freely and respectfully share my concerns with my coworkers. I feel as if I have opened a gate to allow more honest communication between me and them, and if nothing else, at least they heard me yesterday. It may not change anything, it may make things worse. All I know is my heart is lighter because I took that step and said what needed to be said.
Sometimes confrontation is easy, sometimes it's difficult. I don't really know anyone out there who likes conflict or likes to confront people. I do know that Jesus set an example for confrontation in the Bible. He confronted people on many occasions, and it didn't always look the same. Sometimes He overturned tables at the temple and raised His voice in anger (see Matthew 21:12-13 or Mark 11:15-17). Other times He confronted people in love and gently challenged them to change, like the adulteress woman to whom He simply said, "Go on your way. From now on, don't sin," (see John 8:1-11).
Jesus gives us many more examples of confrontation throughout His walk on this earth, but one thing is always clear. Whether He confronts boldly like at the temple or softly like with the adulteress woman, He confronted with purpose and in love. His anger at the temple came from passion and desire for people to understand and respect that place of worship. His softness with the adulteress came from a deep place of mercy and desire to see her turn from her ways into a walk that would be fulfilling and life-giving.
As with anything, Jesus is our ultimate example of confronting in love. Ephesians 4:15 reminds us to "speak the truth in love" with the purpose behind it being growth. Jesus always pushes us to grow, and confrontation is an avenue of growth. Confronting in love forces a challenge to change something, and encouraging growth by all parties involved.
Growing isn't easy or pain-free. Just think back to when you were a pre-teen and your body would just ache for days on end as your bones and muscles grew. The process can hurt or leave us feeling (or looking) awkward for a season. If you don't believe me, go find a picture of yourself from middle school. One thing we do know is that growth leads to something. It is a process with an outcome, and that outcome leaves us better off than when we started, even if the process was painful or uncomfortable for a time.
Consider the people in your life. Is there someone the Lord is encouraging you to lovingly confront? Whatever you're considering, remember that confrontation in love leads to growth, confrontation out of anything else leads to hurt. Having a heart of love and desire to reveal truth is the spirit of confrontation Jesus calls us to.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
First of many.
Well, here I am. January 9th, 2011. Ready to start a journey of regular blogging. I've blogged before, and kept a journal for a long time when I was younger. However, this is the first time I'm committing to myself to write regularly - and publicly. I have felt impressed for some time to begin writing more regularly, but it was only recently that I felt I should share this blog publicly for anyone to read. I guess there's an element of reflection that can come from sharing my thoughts with anyone who wishes to read rather than simply keeping them to myself.
My goal isn't necessarily to write every day, because as a full time teacher and graduate student I can't realistically put those requirements on myself. However, I do hope to write at least once per week, maybe more depending on how life is going at the moment. All I hope to gain from this experience is the chance to de-clutter my mind, reflect on my life, and use this as a tool to gain a better understanding of myself and my Lord.
So, here we go. Blog #1...
2010 was undoubtedly the most challenging year of my brief 27 year existence. I can't say I was sad to see it go when the calendar flipped to 2011 last weekend. However, amidst the challenge was some serious discovery. I experienced discovery of myself as a person, who I am in my community, my church, and my family. I also experienced a renewed discovery of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. The year was so up and down that I even experienced two huge extremes in a matter of 10 hours one day...I got a new job teaching the exact subject at the exact grade level I wanted at 8am the morning of July 7th. Then at 6pm on July 7th my apartment and the majority of my belongings were lost in an apartment fire. That single day, those mere hours, pretty much sum up 2010 for me. Extreme highs, extreme lows, and some days in between.
Where it left me was scratching my head, trying to figure it all out. Then one day I realized, it wasn't my job to figure it out. I'm sure you've heard the saying, "God will never give you more than you can handle..." Well, I've come to the firm conclusion that in fact, He does give you more than you can handle, and often. Now, before you either stop reading or start commenting, hear me out.
What I began to realize in July of 2010 was that I could no longer handle the things God was giving me. Initially I was bothered by this because of that old saying, "God will never give you more than you can handle." I began feeling inadequate, like I should be able to handle these things on my own and for some reason I was coming up short. Then one night it clicked.
It was a mere 48 hours after the apartment fire. I was at literal rock bottom. I was homeless, sleeping on the living room floor of some friends. I was living out of a duffel bag full of clothes that smelled of smoke, and had no idea what my future would look like. I was spending the night at the home of some other friends who were out of town, trying to get some alone time to process what had happened mere days before. I was still hearing the sirens blaring, smelling the smoke, replaying every scene in my head and playing the "what if" game with myself.
I was laying on my friends' bed, completely broken before the Lord. I poured out my heart to Him with tears streaming down my face and anguish in my voice. I cried out to Him audibly and with anger, confusion, pain, and torment. I was lost in a sea of uncertainty and wanted answers. During this time of brokenness I experienced the Lord in a deep and profound way. I lay on this bed, trembling with anguish, crying so hard it hurt, literally yelling into a pillow "Why, God????? Why is this happening? What purpose is there in this chaos? Why are You giving me more than I can handle????"
As if He was waiting for these words, I heard the Lord speak. Now, I didn't hear Him audibly speak to me, but He spoke to my heart, my soul. These words are exactly what He said to me that Friday night in July, "Finally, you've realized you cannot do this on your own." It was then, almost as if someone turned of a switch, the tears stopped. I was confused by this response from the Lord, so I questioned Him again, "What do You mean, Lord? Why are You allowing this?" His response was clear, "I want you to stop trying to do it all yourself. Allow me to carry these burdens. It is too much for you, but not too much for me."
As if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, my spirit felt lighter. I realized all along that those who claimed "God will never give you more than you can handle" had it all wrong. God often gives us more than we can handle. If He didn't, we wouldn't need Him. I felt impressed to explore the first few chapters of Job after that. I examined this man who, despite losing literally everything but his own life, had a heart of worship toward the Lord.
That night I realized one of the most profound things in my life. It isn't a question of what we will face in life, because surely we will all face challenges and tragedy, but rather it is about our heart's response when we face it. I began to look at my own life, my own challenges, and my heart's reaction. Was I reacting with a heart of praise, or with fear, anger, apathy, or bitterness? More often than not it was the latter.
This realization I made 6 months ago has stuck with me, and I think will ultimately be one of the more defining moments of my adult life. By no means am I perfect or do I have it all figured out yet. However, my faith has been strengthened, and my trust in the Lord has grown. Over the past 6 months my life has changed for the better and the Lord has deeply blessed me in ways that would have never been possible if that fire hadn't happened. I am choosing to be thankful and allow the Lord to carry my burdens as we walk this path.
What is your heart's reaction when you face challenges? Is it to praise the Lord and trust Him to carry that burden? Or is it to cling tighter to your own ways and try to figure it out on your own?
My goal isn't necessarily to write every day, because as a full time teacher and graduate student I can't realistically put those requirements on myself. However, I do hope to write at least once per week, maybe more depending on how life is going at the moment. All I hope to gain from this experience is the chance to de-clutter my mind, reflect on my life, and use this as a tool to gain a better understanding of myself and my Lord.
So, here we go. Blog #1...
2010 was undoubtedly the most challenging year of my brief 27 year existence. I can't say I was sad to see it go when the calendar flipped to 2011 last weekend. However, amidst the challenge was some serious discovery. I experienced discovery of myself as a person, who I am in my community, my church, and my family. I also experienced a renewed discovery of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. The year was so up and down that I even experienced two huge extremes in a matter of 10 hours one day...I got a new job teaching the exact subject at the exact grade level I wanted at 8am the morning of July 7th. Then at 6pm on July 7th my apartment and the majority of my belongings were lost in an apartment fire. That single day, those mere hours, pretty much sum up 2010 for me. Extreme highs, extreme lows, and some days in between.
Where it left me was scratching my head, trying to figure it all out. Then one day I realized, it wasn't my job to figure it out. I'm sure you've heard the saying, "God will never give you more than you can handle..." Well, I've come to the firm conclusion that in fact, He does give you more than you can handle, and often. Now, before you either stop reading or start commenting, hear me out.
What I began to realize in July of 2010 was that I could no longer handle the things God was giving me. Initially I was bothered by this because of that old saying, "God will never give you more than you can handle." I began feeling inadequate, like I should be able to handle these things on my own and for some reason I was coming up short. Then one night it clicked.
It was a mere 48 hours after the apartment fire. I was at literal rock bottom. I was homeless, sleeping on the living room floor of some friends. I was living out of a duffel bag full of clothes that smelled of smoke, and had no idea what my future would look like. I was spending the night at the home of some other friends who were out of town, trying to get some alone time to process what had happened mere days before. I was still hearing the sirens blaring, smelling the smoke, replaying every scene in my head and playing the "what if" game with myself.
I was laying on my friends' bed, completely broken before the Lord. I poured out my heart to Him with tears streaming down my face and anguish in my voice. I cried out to Him audibly and with anger, confusion, pain, and torment. I was lost in a sea of uncertainty and wanted answers. During this time of brokenness I experienced the Lord in a deep and profound way. I lay on this bed, trembling with anguish, crying so hard it hurt, literally yelling into a pillow "Why, God????? Why is this happening? What purpose is there in this chaos? Why are You giving me more than I can handle????"
As if He was waiting for these words, I heard the Lord speak. Now, I didn't hear Him audibly speak to me, but He spoke to my heart, my soul. These words are exactly what He said to me that Friday night in July, "Finally, you've realized you cannot do this on your own." It was then, almost as if someone turned of a switch, the tears stopped. I was confused by this response from the Lord, so I questioned Him again, "What do You mean, Lord? Why are You allowing this?" His response was clear, "I want you to stop trying to do it all yourself. Allow me to carry these burdens. It is too much for you, but not too much for me."
As if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, my spirit felt lighter. I realized all along that those who claimed "God will never give you more than you can handle" had it all wrong. God often gives us more than we can handle. If He didn't, we wouldn't need Him. I felt impressed to explore the first few chapters of Job after that. I examined this man who, despite losing literally everything but his own life, had a heart of worship toward the Lord.
That night I realized one of the most profound things in my life. It isn't a question of what we will face in life, because surely we will all face challenges and tragedy, but rather it is about our heart's response when we face it. I began to look at my own life, my own challenges, and my heart's reaction. Was I reacting with a heart of praise, or with fear, anger, apathy, or bitterness? More often than not it was the latter.
This realization I made 6 months ago has stuck with me, and I think will ultimately be one of the more defining moments of my adult life. By no means am I perfect or do I have it all figured out yet. However, my faith has been strengthened, and my trust in the Lord has grown. Over the past 6 months my life has changed for the better and the Lord has deeply blessed me in ways that would have never been possible if that fire hadn't happened. I am choosing to be thankful and allow the Lord to carry my burdens as we walk this path.
What is your heart's reaction when you face challenges? Is it to praise the Lord and trust Him to carry that burden? Or is it to cling tighter to your own ways and try to figure it out on your own?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)