Yesterday I did something that was light years out of my comfort zone. I confronted people. And when I say confronted people, I mean PEOPLE...as in multiple persons. This wasn't just a one on one confrontation, this was me confronting a group of people I perceive to be incredibly intimidating - my coworkers.
I'm the newbie of our group by far. The majority of my department has been working together for 7+ years. That's part of the problem. Complacency and a lack of appreciation for change has dug deep ruts into the ground of our department over the years. I was hired primarily because our team leader saw a spark in me that was fresh, new, and open to bringing a different perspective to light. She wanted me on board to help her with some of these changes. Not everyone was so open.
Without going into all the boring politics of it all, it basically went like this: I had some concerns which I took to my direct supervisor (our vice principal) yesterday morning. Her suggestion was a team meeting after school in which I address these concerns with the group and share my heart, hoping that hearing these things directly from me would fall on receptive ears instead of deaf ones. I was terrified of this thought. I hate confrontation, I hate challenging people, I hate upsetting people, I hate drama, and I hate potentially causing people to think less of me or something of the sort.
Put bluntly, confrontation isn't my "thing". It never has been.
I realized that my supervisor was right, though. I had to take the reigns on this one and share from my heart, my emotion, and my feelings. I couldn't just give her the responsibility of once again approaching them with concerns. We've taken that road, it leads no where. So I agreed to the meeting, and spent the better part of my day worried.
I sat wringing my hands while my students took a final test. In the silence of my classroom my heart was pounding, hands shaking, stomach churning, and knees knocking. I literally thought I was going to throw up into my garbage can at one point. I couldn't eat lunch for fear of what would happen after. I spent part of one class period typing my thoughts and feelings into a cohesive statement that I could refer to when addressing the group.
Overall, I was freaking out.
I've always struggled with confidence in speaking my mind in situations like this. I don't know why, but it has been a lifelong battle. However, yesterday, I faced that struggle head on.
After school, our team sat down and I shared directly from my heart (well, I read from the paper I wrote earlier, but same thing). I shared my frustrations, my concerns, my feelings, and my perceptions. I was shaking as I read the paper, and my voice cracked on more than one occasion as I spoke through tears.
I won't go into what happened next, because there is still a lot to be said, processed, and worked through, I really don't know what the outcome will be. However I do know one thing, I faced a fear head on and did something that gave me a boost in confidence in my workplace. I know there could be fallout and there could be drama, but at least I've taken the step to speak my mind freely and respectfully share my concerns with my coworkers. I feel as if I have opened a gate to allow more honest communication between me and them, and if nothing else, at least they heard me yesterday. It may not change anything, it may make things worse. All I know is my heart is lighter because I took that step and said what needed to be said.
Sometimes confrontation is easy, sometimes it's difficult. I don't really know anyone out there who likes conflict or likes to confront people. I do know that Jesus set an example for confrontation in the Bible. He confronted people on many occasions, and it didn't always look the same. Sometimes He overturned tables at the temple and raised His voice in anger (see Matthew 21:12-13 or Mark 11:15-17). Other times He confronted people in love and gently challenged them to change, like the adulteress woman to whom He simply said, "Go on your way. From now on, don't sin," (see John 8:1-11).
Jesus gives us many more examples of confrontation throughout His walk on this earth, but one thing is always clear. Whether He confronts boldly like at the temple or softly like with the adulteress woman, He confronted with purpose and in love. His anger at the temple came from passion and desire for people to understand and respect that place of worship. His softness with the adulteress came from a deep place of mercy and desire to see her turn from her ways into a walk that would be fulfilling and life-giving.
As with anything, Jesus is our ultimate example of confronting in love. Ephesians 4:15 reminds us to "speak the truth in love" with the purpose behind it being growth. Jesus always pushes us to grow, and confrontation is an avenue of growth. Confronting in love forces a challenge to change something, and encouraging growth by all parties involved.
Growing isn't easy or pain-free. Just think back to when you were a pre-teen and your body would just ache for days on end as your bones and muscles grew. The process can hurt or leave us feeling (or looking) awkward for a season. If you don't believe me, go find a picture of yourself from middle school. One thing we do know is that growth leads to something. It is a process with an outcome, and that outcome leaves us better off than when we started, even if the process was painful or uncomfortable for a time.
Consider the people in your life. Is there someone the Lord is encouraging you to lovingly confront? Whatever you're considering, remember that confrontation in love leads to growth, confrontation out of anything else leads to hurt. Having a heart of love and desire to reveal truth is the spirit of confrontation Jesus calls us to.
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