First of many.

Well, here I am. January 9th, 2011. Ready to start a journey of regular blogging. I've blogged before, and kept a journal for a long time when I was younger. However, this is the first time I'm committing to myself to write regularly - and publicly. I have felt impressed for some time to begin writing more regularly, but it was only recently that I felt I should share this blog publicly for anyone to read. I guess there's an element of reflection that can come from sharing my thoughts with anyone who wishes to read rather than simply keeping them to myself.

My goal isn't necessarily to write every day, because as a full time teacher and graduate student I can't realistically put those requirements on myself. However, I do hope to write at least once per week, maybe more depending on how life is going at the moment. All I hope to gain from this experience is the chance to de-clutter my mind, reflect on my life, and use this as a tool to gain a better understanding of myself and my Lord.

So, here we go. Blog #1...

2010 was undoubtedly the most challenging year of my brief 27 year existence. I can't say I was sad to see it go when the calendar flipped to 2011 last weekend. However, amidst the challenge was some serious discovery. I experienced discovery of myself as a person, who I am in my community, my church, and my family. I also experienced a renewed discovery of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. The year was so up and down that I even experienced two huge extremes in a matter of 10 hours one day...I got a new job teaching the exact subject at the exact grade level I wanted at 8am the morning of July 7th. Then at 6pm on July 7th my apartment and the majority of my belongings were lost in an apartment fire. That single day, those mere hours, pretty much sum up 2010 for me. Extreme highs, extreme lows, and some days in between.

Where it left me was scratching my head, trying to figure it all out. Then one day I realized, it wasn't my job to figure it out. I'm sure you've heard the saying, "God will never give you more than you can handle..." Well, I've come to the firm conclusion that in fact, He does give you more than you can handle, and often. Now, before you either stop reading or start commenting, hear me out.

What I began to realize in July of 2010 was that I could no longer handle the things God was giving me. Initially I was bothered by this because of that old saying, "God will never give you more than you can handle." I began feeling inadequate, like I should be able to handle these things on my own and for some reason I was coming up short. Then one night it clicked.

It was a mere 48 hours after the apartment fire. I was at literal rock bottom. I was homeless, sleeping on the living room floor of some friends. I was living out of a duffel bag full of clothes that smelled of smoke, and had no idea what my future would look like. I was spending the night at the home of some other friends who were out of town, trying to get some alone time to process what had happened mere days before. I was still hearing the sirens blaring, smelling the smoke, replaying every scene in my head and playing the "what if" game with myself.

I was laying on my friends' bed, completely broken before the Lord. I poured out my heart to Him with tears streaming down my face and anguish in my voice. I cried out to Him audibly and with anger, confusion, pain, and torment. I was lost in a sea of uncertainty and wanted answers. During this time of brokenness I experienced the Lord in a deep and profound way. I lay on this bed, trembling with anguish, crying so hard it hurt, literally yelling into a pillow "Why, God????? Why is this happening? What purpose is there in this chaos? Why are You giving me more than I can handle????"

As if He was waiting for these words, I heard the Lord speak. Now, I didn't hear Him audibly speak to me, but He spoke to my heart, my soul. These words are exactly what He said to me that Friday night in July, "Finally, you've realized you cannot do this on your own." It was then, almost as if someone turned of a switch, the tears stopped. I was confused by this response from the Lord, so I questioned Him again, "What do You mean, Lord? Why are You allowing this?" His response was clear, "I want you to stop trying to do it all yourself. Allow me to carry these burdens. It is too much for you, but not too much for me."

As if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, my spirit felt lighter. I realized all along that those who claimed "God will never give you more than you can handle" had it all wrong. God often gives us more than we can handle. If He didn't, we wouldn't need Him. I felt impressed to explore the first few chapters of Job after that. I examined this man who, despite losing literally everything but his own life, had a heart of worship toward the Lord.

That night I realized one of the most profound things in my life. It isn't a question of what we will face in life, because surely we will all face challenges and tragedy, but rather it is about our heart's response when we face it. I began to look at my own life, my own challenges, and my heart's reaction. Was I reacting with a heart of praise, or with fear, anger, apathy, or bitterness? More often than not it was the latter.

This realization I made 6 months ago has stuck with me, and I think will ultimately be one of the more defining moments of my adult life. By no means am I perfect or do I have it all figured out yet. However, my faith has been strengthened, and my trust in the Lord has grown. Over the past 6 months my life has changed for the better and the Lord has deeply blessed me in ways that would have never been possible if that fire hadn't happened. I am choosing to be thankful and allow the Lord to carry my burdens as we walk this path.

What is your heart's reaction when you face challenges? Is it to praise the Lord and trust Him to carry that burden? Or is it to cling tighter to your own ways and try to figure it out on your own?