Lately I've been praying more prayers that sound like this:
"Lord Jesus, I hope You're coming sooner rather than later."
Our world is in chaos. Both on a global scale and a personal scale for many of us. Earthquakes, tsunamis, terror attacks, and war are wreaking havoc on our world. Personal battles, death, sickness, chaos, and pain are wreaking havoc in our personal lives. It seems no matter where I turn I hear another story of pain and suffering. It could be on the nightly news or from a friend at work, but it seems every other story I hear is one that breaks my heart.
I am so grateful that God is God over all. I am quickly learning (or re-learning) that I do not handle stress well. At all. Chaos is surrounding my personal life right now, and the only solution I can come to is to just ask Jesus to be Lord over it. Sounds easy enough, right? Yeah...I thought so too. However, my human nature is to continue to want to meddle and try to "fix" things. Of course, there are things I can do as an active participant of life, and I will, but I have to be careful not to push farther than He wants me to.
I need to be sensitive to the Lord's leading and seek His will in all these situations. My desire is to be a shining ambassador for Jesus. I want people to see Christ in me, my actions, my decisions, and the things I stand for. I want to be a witness through how I treat others, the love I show, and the choices I make.
So, while I do hope Jesus comes sooner rather than later, I also hope He gives me the opportunity to live fully for Him. That I may have a chance to shine a light for Him and make a difference in the name of Jesus.
Tonight, my prayer is this:
"Lord Jesus, give me eyes to see You in the midst of the madness of this world. Give me a heart to love the seemingly unloveable. Give me hands to do Your work. Give me the patience only You can. Jesus, I pray that you are Lord over ALL in my life. May Your will be done in and through every single situation I encounter in my personal life as well as in every situation across the globe. Be a comfort to those who hurt, reveal Yourself to them. Finally Jesus, I ask for opportunities not just to share about You with people this week, but for opportunities to BE You to people this week. Thank you for already fulfilling Your promises in this craziness, Lord. I ask these things in the powerful name of Jesus...amen."
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Complacency.
This single word sums up my life as of late. I have become complacent in so many areas of my life, and quite frankly, it's hurting me. As I was at church tonight, this word struck me during our time of worship. Our worship pastor Cory was speaking some heartfelt words (as he often does) between songs. I don't even remember entirely what he was saying, but I know he asked who was having one of "those" kinds of weeks. I couldn't help but raise my hand. Now, what exactly one of "those" weeks is could vary from person to person, but all I knew was...I have been having one...but it hasn't just been a week.
The song Cory led us in after his thoughts and a shared prayer was a classic song I've known for a long time called "Enough". If you aren't familiar with the song, here are the lyrics:
Enough - Chris Tomlin
The song Cory led us in after his thoughts and a shared prayer was a classic song I've known for a long time called "Enough". If you aren't familiar with the song, here are the lyrics:
Enough - Chris Tomlin
All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough
You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know
All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough
You’re my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
You’re the coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
You’re the coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know
More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me
During this song I couldn't help but break down. I was singing these profound words, yet I knew in my heart these words did not match up with the attitude I've had lately. I have not been living convinced of God's supremacy. I have not been convinced that He truly is ALL I need. I have been justifying needing to fill voids with other earthly things in order to feel whole, yet I was singing about God being more than enough for me. My heart was pained with the realization of just where I have been lately.
My heart has been complacent.
For months now I've been drying up spiritually, as if I were a shriveled apple fallen from the tree and rotting on the ground. I have been detached, drained, and distant. I've been putting on the happy face, keeping the small talk going with people when necessary, and just going through the motions to make it appear as if things are okay. I began to believe in my heart of hearts that this way of living was okay. I accepted my dry spirit, lack of accountability, and depression as just how things were going to be for me. I've gotten complacent with feeling lonely, lost, and confused.
Today I finally verbalized to a close friend that I was pretty sure I have slipped into a depression. This was the first time I'd put words to the emotion I'd been feeling for several months, and it scared me. I wavered on whether or not to attend church this weekend (I've been very good at finding excuses not to go for a couple months). I decided to drag myself there, put on the happy face, and fake it with people who have known me for years. Of course, once I was there the Lord immediately began to stir up the things in my heart and it was clear He had some business to do with me before I left.
During that song God begged me to allow Him back into the deepest places of my heart that I have once again closed off to Him. He spoke gently to me, reminding me that the people, things, and feelings I've been clinging to will do nothing for me, but rather that He is the one who can fill the voids. He is the one who can heal me and make me new. He is the one who can restore me and give me life once more.
Following that song we had a time of Communion, and upon returning to my seat with the elements, I could not bring myself to take them without confessing some things to another dear friend I was sitting next to. I poured my heart out to her and she prayed for me, she prayed with me. Even after that precious time, I sat motionless as though I could not justify taking Communion with my heart so hardened to the Lord. I was appalled at where I'd let myself fall to. I felt so distant and removed from the life with Jesus I had grown accustomed to. Anger, pain, frustration, fear, worry, hatred, and justification of sin had taken the place of love, joy, peace, grace, holiness, patience, and determination. I realized I had become a different person entirely. After I felt as though I'd already been sitting there for an eternity, I heard my friend whisper to me, "You have already been forgiven..." Upon hearing those words, I sensed the Lord again. He was agreeing with those words, and was wrapping me in His arms.
I have been finding excuses for my behavior, emotions, and choices. I have allowed myself to become complacent and accept a life that was NOT pleasing to God, but I didn't care. Tonight I realized that head on and refuse to allow the enemy to have that kind of hold on my life. As the church service continued the word I could not get out of my head was "victory". I want victory in my life. Victory comes from Jesus alone, but He offers victory over everything...victory over sin, victory over death, victory over depression, victory over helplessness, victory over anger, victory over needs and wants, victory over selfishness...I could go on and on.
I am claiming victory tonight, victory in Jesus. He has conquered my battles for me, the fight has been fought and won. Praise God.
I'm a work in progress, as I've said before, and I have a LONG way to go, but tonight I am singing that song again in a different way. I'm believing it this time. God, You ARE more than enough for me...
Monday, February 14, 2011
Love and mushy stuff.
Well, it's just about the end of my 27th Valentine's Day, and I have to say it was quite uneventful, as the majority of those 27 have been. Aside from Valentine's Day ten years ago when I was asked to Senior Prom by one of my best guy friends at the time (in a really awesome way that I'll never forget - ask me sometime & I'll share the story), I've never had a very exciting or memorable Valentine's Day.
This weekend marked a very memorable time for me, however, and I have to say, this Valentine's Day has quickly rose to the top of my "favorite's" list.
Today concluded a long weekend spent at the beach with my family (parents, both siblings, aunt and uncle)...sort of our own little family reunion. My sister is in town from Poultney, Vermont (Google it, it's small) and the family all gathered to enjoy some R&R together. It has been wonderful spending time with her after many months apart.
While enjoying our family's vacation home on the Northern Oregon Coast, my brother, sister, and I all found ourselves basking in the simple joy of just being together. The three of us are fairly close in age (30, 29, 27) and over the years have grown considerably more fond of each other than we were when we were 10, 9, and 7. Blame it on the mushy holiday feelings, or the hours spent playing Wii, or the close quarters for lodging, but I felt a sense of utter joy during my time with my siblings this weekend that I haven't felt in a long time.
We shared many laughs, a few scowls, heartfelt conversations, and even a few hugs (despite my brother's preferences). We took some family pictures, watched a few storms roll through, and ate homemade waffles while standing around the kitchen grinning at each other. It was a very special weekend, one that I won't soon forget. It was the kind that goes in your mental scrapbook for years to come. Someday down the line we'll pull out one of those "...Remember that weekend at the beach..." stories and we'll howl with laughter much like we did this weekend.
I am so thankful that the Lord has blessed our family with that coastal home in which we have built memories. I am thankful for a big brother who still pretends he is going to poke my stomach just to see me flinch. I am thankful for a big sister who still knows how to drive me crazy as we navigate a video game together. I am thankful for my mom and step dad who work hard to provide for us as a family unit and who raised us to love each other despite our flaws. I am thankful for the time we shared this weekend, for the memories we made, and for the bonds that were strengthened.
This weekend showed me what Valentine's Day is really all about. Forget the flowers, chocolates, cards, romantic wishes and jewelry commercials. Valentine's Day is about being with those you love, and expressing that love to each other in a real and tangible way. I hope that wherever you are tonight, you were able to share this Valentine's Day with someone you love in some form or fashion.
This weekend marked a very memorable time for me, however, and I have to say, this Valentine's Day has quickly rose to the top of my "favorite's" list.
Today concluded a long weekend spent at the beach with my family (parents, both siblings, aunt and uncle)...sort of our own little family reunion. My sister is in town from Poultney, Vermont (Google it, it's small) and the family all gathered to enjoy some R&R together. It has been wonderful spending time with her after many months apart.
While enjoying our family's vacation home on the Northern Oregon Coast, my brother, sister, and I all found ourselves basking in the simple joy of just being together. The three of us are fairly close in age (30, 29, 27) and over the years have grown considerably more fond of each other than we were when we were 10, 9, and 7. Blame it on the mushy holiday feelings, or the hours spent playing Wii, or the close quarters for lodging, but I felt a sense of utter joy during my time with my siblings this weekend that I haven't felt in a long time.
We shared many laughs, a few scowls, heartfelt conversations, and even a few hugs (despite my brother's preferences). We took some family pictures, watched a few storms roll through, and ate homemade waffles while standing around the kitchen grinning at each other. It was a very special weekend, one that I won't soon forget. It was the kind that goes in your mental scrapbook for years to come. Someday down the line we'll pull out one of those "...Remember that weekend at the beach..." stories and we'll howl with laughter much like we did this weekend.
I am so thankful that the Lord has blessed our family with that coastal home in which we have built memories. I am thankful for a big brother who still pretends he is going to poke my stomach just to see me flinch. I am thankful for a big sister who still knows how to drive me crazy as we navigate a video game together. I am thankful for my mom and step dad who work hard to provide for us as a family unit and who raised us to love each other despite our flaws. I am thankful for the time we shared this weekend, for the memories we made, and for the bonds that were strengthened.
This weekend showed me what Valentine's Day is really all about. Forget the flowers, chocolates, cards, romantic wishes and jewelry commercials. Valentine's Day is about being with those you love, and expressing that love to each other in a real and tangible way. I hope that wherever you are tonight, you were able to share this Valentine's Day with someone you love in some form or fashion.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
I love what I do.
Well, so much for my goal of a weekly post. I managed to get four good posts in the first two weeks and then have failed to post anything in over three weeks. Oh well, I guess I'll pick back up and keep on going. :)
I have to say I'm a little surprised at some of the feedback I've gotten with this blog from friends and family. People are actually reading my words and walking along side of me. It's a pretty cool feeling.
Life lately has been pretty busy. School is hectic with my kiddos, trying to impart as much knowledge as I can in the short time I have them each day while also providing them a safe place to share their hearts and be encouraged. Sometimes it is tough to do it all in an hour and three minutes. Regardless, I so deeply value my time with my students each day. The crazy part is, I think they enjoy their time with me, too. I've been told by students, parents, and counselors that many students declare my class their favorite. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but consider that I teach math. To middle schoolers. In reality, it is a huge accomplishment that I am considered a favorite teacher and that kids are actually enjoying math (for some this is the first time in their short little lives they're enjoying the subject).
Not that I am tooting my own horn, but I've begun to realize that it is okay to accept this appreciation, praise, and the occasional pat on the back. At first it felt weird to be appreciative and accept this praise without trying to deflect or redirect the attention. Then, I realized that it's okay to know that I'm good at what I do. Not because I am so awesome (but I am pretty awesome...) but rather that because God is awesome and He is at work through me. God created me to be a teacher, He gave me the skill set, and He put me where I am to make a difference.
It is pretty profound to realize that every day I am in direct contact with 113 middle school students ranging from 11-13 years old while they are in my classes, and that these students are able to experience a little bit of the light of Jesus for an hour and three minutes a day. That right there is enough to make me satisfied with my day, but then to add on top of it that I get to build relationships with each student and I get to be partially responsible for their future by imparting knowledge about volume, surface area, algebra and more...well, I'd say I'm pretty blessed.
My job allows me to do what I love and get paid for it. It hasn't always been this way, I worked a few miserable jobs before figuring out exactly where God had created me to be. But being here now, in my sweet spot if you will, is pretty magnificent. Sure I work 10-12 hour days most days, I get paid minimally in comparison to other people with the same level of education etc, I am constantly criticized by the public for failures of the education system that are somewhat out of my control, and what I do is incredibly difficult, but it is absolutely worth it.
It is worth it to have those "light bulb" moments with my students where they finally figure something out. It is worth it to share a laugh with them, or provide an understanding ear for their concerns and burdens. It is worth it to know that I am making a difference for the Kingdom of God and also for the future of our community.
I love what I do. I know I'm very blessed and lucky to be able to say that, because millions of people report to jobs they hate every day. My prayer tonight is for those who feel stuck or unhappy in their job. That prayer is that they would see why God has them where they are, that His purposes would be revealed, and that He might be glorified even in the tough spots.
Speaking of that job I love...it has an early call hour, so I must get to bed. Until next time...
I have to say I'm a little surprised at some of the feedback I've gotten with this blog from friends and family. People are actually reading my words and walking along side of me. It's a pretty cool feeling.
Life lately has been pretty busy. School is hectic with my kiddos, trying to impart as much knowledge as I can in the short time I have them each day while also providing them a safe place to share their hearts and be encouraged. Sometimes it is tough to do it all in an hour and three minutes. Regardless, I so deeply value my time with my students each day. The crazy part is, I think they enjoy their time with me, too. I've been told by students, parents, and counselors that many students declare my class their favorite. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but consider that I teach math. To middle schoolers. In reality, it is a huge accomplishment that I am considered a favorite teacher and that kids are actually enjoying math (for some this is the first time in their short little lives they're enjoying the subject).
Not that I am tooting my own horn, but I've begun to realize that it is okay to accept this appreciation, praise, and the occasional pat on the back. At first it felt weird to be appreciative and accept this praise without trying to deflect or redirect the attention. Then, I realized that it's okay to know that I'm good at what I do. Not because I am so awesome (but I am pretty awesome...) but rather that because God is awesome and He is at work through me. God created me to be a teacher, He gave me the skill set, and He put me where I am to make a difference.
It is pretty profound to realize that every day I am in direct contact with 113 middle school students ranging from 11-13 years old while they are in my classes, and that these students are able to experience a little bit of the light of Jesus for an hour and three minutes a day. That right there is enough to make me satisfied with my day, but then to add on top of it that I get to build relationships with each student and I get to be partially responsible for their future by imparting knowledge about volume, surface area, algebra and more...well, I'd say I'm pretty blessed.
My job allows me to do what I love and get paid for it. It hasn't always been this way, I worked a few miserable jobs before figuring out exactly where God had created me to be. But being here now, in my sweet spot if you will, is pretty magnificent. Sure I work 10-12 hour days most days, I get paid minimally in comparison to other people with the same level of education etc, I am constantly criticized by the public for failures of the education system that are somewhat out of my control, and what I do is incredibly difficult, but it is absolutely worth it.
It is worth it to have those "light bulb" moments with my students where they finally figure something out. It is worth it to share a laugh with them, or provide an understanding ear for their concerns and burdens. It is worth it to know that I am making a difference for the Kingdom of God and also for the future of our community.
I love what I do. I know I'm very blessed and lucky to be able to say that, because millions of people report to jobs they hate every day. My prayer tonight is for those who feel stuck or unhappy in their job. That prayer is that they would see why God has them where they are, that His purposes would be revealed, and that He might be glorified even in the tough spots.
Speaking of that job I love...it has an early call hour, so I must get to bed. Until next time...
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
We all fall short.
Well, I completely failed at my ambitious goal for the day (see previous blog from yesterday). I woke up, and for about three and a half minutes I felt awesome. Then I realized the stress I've been under has worked its way into a knot (to put it kindly) in my right shoulder/neck/head/back area. I looked like the hunchback. That set my morning into slow-down mode, which meant I ran behind schedule simply because I couldn't move as fast as normal due to pain. Anxiety set in about eighteen minutes after being awake, realizing what was likely to await me at school. This grew over the course of my getting ready and driving to work.
I sat in my car for a good four minutes in the parking lot before braving the building. The morning went as I had feared. There were looks from coworkers, side conversations happening behind closed doors, and then the final professional conversation I attempted to have (with the coworker who was not at the meeting Friday) left me wanting to punch a wall (or a person).
Anyone who knows me well knows I have a short fuse. I have worked hard most of my adult life to keep my temper under control, but I am one who is regularly challenged by what is written in James 1:19-20...
"19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."
I know that my quickness to anger doesn't lead to God's glory being revealed. Every single day I am challenged by these verses to keep myself in check, to be quick to listen - to truly hear others - and slow to react.
Today, I failed this challenge miserably. While I didn't lash out verbally in the ways I have in the past, I found myself lashing out mentally and within the safety of the presence of trusted people. My heart was hardened and bitter, and I was far from bringing glory to God today.
Reflecting back on this, I see how God is directing me to work on this area of my life. You see, God knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows us so well, that He knows how we are going to react before we do. I'm starting to realize this stressful situation at work is an opportunity to improve my walk with the Lord. God is giving me the opportunity daily (really more like hourly) to choose to do the right thing. He is giving me interactions that will provide me the choice of one of two reactions - live out James 1:19-20 and be a witness and an example of Christ, or don't and fall into the trap of the world that causes more pain.
Today I chose the latter. Tomorrow, I hope to say I choose the former, and I will wake up with the intent of doing so. And while I know that we all fall short of perfection, I also know that God is doing a good work in me, and He has promised to see that good work through to the end. This means there's hope for me yet.
Praise Jesus that I am a work in progress and that His mercies are new each day.
I sat in my car for a good four minutes in the parking lot before braving the building. The morning went as I had feared. There were looks from coworkers, side conversations happening behind closed doors, and then the final professional conversation I attempted to have (with the coworker who was not at the meeting Friday) left me wanting to punch a wall (or a person).
Anyone who knows me well knows I have a short fuse. I have worked hard most of my adult life to keep my temper under control, but I am one who is regularly challenged by what is written in James 1:19-20...
"19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."
I know that my quickness to anger doesn't lead to God's glory being revealed. Every single day I am challenged by these verses to keep myself in check, to be quick to listen - to truly hear others - and slow to react.
Today, I failed this challenge miserably. While I didn't lash out verbally in the ways I have in the past, I found myself lashing out mentally and within the safety of the presence of trusted people. My heart was hardened and bitter, and I was far from bringing glory to God today.
Reflecting back on this, I see how God is directing me to work on this area of my life. You see, God knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows us so well, that He knows how we are going to react before we do. I'm starting to realize this stressful situation at work is an opportunity to improve my walk with the Lord. God is giving me the opportunity daily (really more like hourly) to choose to do the right thing. He is giving me interactions that will provide me the choice of one of two reactions - live out James 1:19-20 and be a witness and an example of Christ, or don't and fall into the trap of the world that causes more pain.
Today I chose the latter. Tomorrow, I hope to say I choose the former, and I will wake up with the intent of doing so. And while I know that we all fall short of perfection, I also know that God is doing a good work in me, and He has promised to see that good work through to the end. This means there's hope for me yet.
Praise Jesus that I am a work in progress and that His mercies are new each day.
Monday, January 17, 2011
I refuse to give in.
I love having a holiday fall on a Monday.
It would be hard to find someone who truly loves Mondays at work, and while we will always have a start to our work week and thus a proverbial "Monday" of some kind, there is something truly gratifying about having the actual day off. However, as wonderful as having today of has been, I am now preparing for my work week with some angst.
If you read my last blog it detailed an interaction I had with my fellow department members on Friday afternoon before we left for this long weekend. I left feeling relieved and as though I'd made major headway in gaining some confidence. Well, now with the new week looming mere hours away, I find myself dreading that frightful walk back through the doors of our school.
I have no idea what the reaction will be when I arrive at work tomorrow, but based on Friday and based on what I know about my coworkers already, I have drummed up what I believe is a fairly reasonable scene that will likely play out. It involves me being ignored, glared at, and possibly, if conditions are right, talked about behind my back. There's also the extreme scenario which involves some yelling, swearing and/or belittling comments - but that will all depend on the alignment of the stars and how tightly bunched my coworkers panties are in the morning.
Frankly, I'm nervous to return to work tomorrow. I love my students, I'm excited about what I'll be teaching them and the new unit we are starting. I'm excited to have them sit on the carpet and read them a story (in middle school math class!) and relate it to our new unit. However, I fear the guys next door to me. Of course no one should *fear* going to work, but I think more often than not people do to some degree. Most people could probably find one or two or twelve things that cause them angst about their job. Some have legitimate legal complaints they could make. Others are more of the small-scale variety, but still valid none the less.
I could (and might) sit up all night fretting about what my morning interactions will look like. That is exactly what the Enemy wants me to do. He would love it if I get little sleep, have anxiety, fret and fear things I can't control, and ultimately let my guard down and end up saying or doing something out of character. Well, I refuse to give in to his plot.
In Romans 8:31-39 Paul declares something pretty powerful that gives me confidence tonight. Check out this promise:
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[j]
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (New International Version - www.biblegateway.com)
To make this completely applicable to my current situation I'm going to add a few things to that last verse: "...neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation (including coworkers, work drama, and my own self doubt), will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom. 8:39 - New International Kelsey Version).
Wow. Powerful words right there. Verse 31 reminds us that with God on our side of the battle, who even stands a chance against us? The rest of the passage goes on to illustrate that - despite the best efforts of the world around us (including Satan) - God's grip on us is so mighty that we will never be separated from Him, regardless of the situations surrounding us in our current state.
This gives me hope tonight. I know that regardless of the battlefield I may walk into tomorrow morning, God is on my side. He has a purpose and a plan, and He is fighting my battles on my behalf. I refuse to give into the lie that I'm going at it alone, and I refuse to give in to the temptation to sink to the level of this world. I will stand with Christ beside me, and uphold His glory through my thoughts, words, and actions.
Tomorrow I will focus on my students, since after all, they're the reason I'm there in the first place.
It would be hard to find someone who truly loves Mondays at work, and while we will always have a start to our work week and thus a proverbial "Monday" of some kind, there is something truly gratifying about having the actual day off. However, as wonderful as having today of has been, I am now preparing for my work week with some angst.
If you read my last blog it detailed an interaction I had with my fellow department members on Friday afternoon before we left for this long weekend. I left feeling relieved and as though I'd made major headway in gaining some confidence. Well, now with the new week looming mere hours away, I find myself dreading that frightful walk back through the doors of our school.
I have no idea what the reaction will be when I arrive at work tomorrow, but based on Friday and based on what I know about my coworkers already, I have drummed up what I believe is a fairly reasonable scene that will likely play out. It involves me being ignored, glared at, and possibly, if conditions are right, talked about behind my back. There's also the extreme scenario which involves some yelling, swearing and/or belittling comments - but that will all depend on the alignment of the stars and how tightly bunched my coworkers panties are in the morning.
Frankly, I'm nervous to return to work tomorrow. I love my students, I'm excited about what I'll be teaching them and the new unit we are starting. I'm excited to have them sit on the carpet and read them a story (in middle school math class!) and relate it to our new unit. However, I fear the guys next door to me. Of course no one should *fear* going to work, but I think more often than not people do to some degree. Most people could probably find one or two or twelve things that cause them angst about their job. Some have legitimate legal complaints they could make. Others are more of the small-scale variety, but still valid none the less.
I could (and might) sit up all night fretting about what my morning interactions will look like. That is exactly what the Enemy wants me to do. He would love it if I get little sleep, have anxiety, fret and fear things I can't control, and ultimately let my guard down and end up saying or doing something out of character. Well, I refuse to give in to his plot.
In Romans 8:31-39 Paul declares something pretty powerful that gives me confidence tonight. Check out this promise:
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[j]
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (New International Version - www.biblegateway.com)
To make this completely applicable to my current situation I'm going to add a few things to that last verse: "...neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation (including coworkers, work drama, and my own self doubt), will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom. 8:39 - New International Kelsey Version).
Wow. Powerful words right there. Verse 31 reminds us that with God on our side of the battle, who even stands a chance against us? The rest of the passage goes on to illustrate that - despite the best efforts of the world around us (including Satan) - God's grip on us is so mighty that we will never be separated from Him, regardless of the situations surrounding us in our current state.
This gives me hope tonight. I know that regardless of the battlefield I may walk into tomorrow morning, God is on my side. He has a purpose and a plan, and He is fighting my battles on my behalf. I refuse to give into the lie that I'm going at it alone, and I refuse to give in to the temptation to sink to the level of this world. I will stand with Christ beside me, and uphold His glory through my thoughts, words, and actions.
Tomorrow I will focus on my students, since after all, they're the reason I'm there in the first place.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Nerves of Steel. Or Jell-o.
Yesterday I did something that was light years out of my comfort zone. I confronted people. And when I say confronted people, I mean PEOPLE...as in multiple persons. This wasn't just a one on one confrontation, this was me confronting a group of people I perceive to be incredibly intimidating - my coworkers.
I'm the newbie of our group by far. The majority of my department has been working together for 7+ years. That's part of the problem. Complacency and a lack of appreciation for change has dug deep ruts into the ground of our department over the years. I was hired primarily because our team leader saw a spark in me that was fresh, new, and open to bringing a different perspective to light. She wanted me on board to help her with some of these changes. Not everyone was so open.
Without going into all the boring politics of it all, it basically went like this: I had some concerns which I took to my direct supervisor (our vice principal) yesterday morning. Her suggestion was a team meeting after school in which I address these concerns with the group and share my heart, hoping that hearing these things directly from me would fall on receptive ears instead of deaf ones. I was terrified of this thought. I hate confrontation, I hate challenging people, I hate upsetting people, I hate drama, and I hate potentially causing people to think less of me or something of the sort.
Put bluntly, confrontation isn't my "thing". It never has been.
I realized that my supervisor was right, though. I had to take the reigns on this one and share from my heart, my emotion, and my feelings. I couldn't just give her the responsibility of once again approaching them with concerns. We've taken that road, it leads no where. So I agreed to the meeting, and spent the better part of my day worried.
I sat wringing my hands while my students took a final test. In the silence of my classroom my heart was pounding, hands shaking, stomach churning, and knees knocking. I literally thought I was going to throw up into my garbage can at one point. I couldn't eat lunch for fear of what would happen after. I spent part of one class period typing my thoughts and feelings into a cohesive statement that I could refer to when addressing the group.
Overall, I was freaking out.
I've always struggled with confidence in speaking my mind in situations like this. I don't know why, but it has been a lifelong battle. However, yesterday, I faced that struggle head on.
After school, our team sat down and I shared directly from my heart (well, I read from the paper I wrote earlier, but same thing). I shared my frustrations, my concerns, my feelings, and my perceptions. I was shaking as I read the paper, and my voice cracked on more than one occasion as I spoke through tears.
I won't go into what happened next, because there is still a lot to be said, processed, and worked through, I really don't know what the outcome will be. However I do know one thing, I faced a fear head on and did something that gave me a boost in confidence in my workplace. I know there could be fallout and there could be drama, but at least I've taken the step to speak my mind freely and respectfully share my concerns with my coworkers. I feel as if I have opened a gate to allow more honest communication between me and them, and if nothing else, at least they heard me yesterday. It may not change anything, it may make things worse. All I know is my heart is lighter because I took that step and said what needed to be said.
Sometimes confrontation is easy, sometimes it's difficult. I don't really know anyone out there who likes conflict or likes to confront people. I do know that Jesus set an example for confrontation in the Bible. He confronted people on many occasions, and it didn't always look the same. Sometimes He overturned tables at the temple and raised His voice in anger (see Matthew 21:12-13 or Mark 11:15-17). Other times He confronted people in love and gently challenged them to change, like the adulteress woman to whom He simply said, "Go on your way. From now on, don't sin," (see John 8:1-11).
Jesus gives us many more examples of confrontation throughout His walk on this earth, but one thing is always clear. Whether He confronts boldly like at the temple or softly like with the adulteress woman, He confronted with purpose and in love. His anger at the temple came from passion and desire for people to understand and respect that place of worship. His softness with the adulteress came from a deep place of mercy and desire to see her turn from her ways into a walk that would be fulfilling and life-giving.
As with anything, Jesus is our ultimate example of confronting in love. Ephesians 4:15 reminds us to "speak the truth in love" with the purpose behind it being growth. Jesus always pushes us to grow, and confrontation is an avenue of growth. Confronting in love forces a challenge to change something, and encouraging growth by all parties involved.
Growing isn't easy or pain-free. Just think back to when you were a pre-teen and your body would just ache for days on end as your bones and muscles grew. The process can hurt or leave us feeling (or looking) awkward for a season. If you don't believe me, go find a picture of yourself from middle school. One thing we do know is that growth leads to something. It is a process with an outcome, and that outcome leaves us better off than when we started, even if the process was painful or uncomfortable for a time.
Consider the people in your life. Is there someone the Lord is encouraging you to lovingly confront? Whatever you're considering, remember that confrontation in love leads to growth, confrontation out of anything else leads to hurt. Having a heart of love and desire to reveal truth is the spirit of confrontation Jesus calls us to.
I'm the newbie of our group by far. The majority of my department has been working together for 7+ years. That's part of the problem. Complacency and a lack of appreciation for change has dug deep ruts into the ground of our department over the years. I was hired primarily because our team leader saw a spark in me that was fresh, new, and open to bringing a different perspective to light. She wanted me on board to help her with some of these changes. Not everyone was so open.
Without going into all the boring politics of it all, it basically went like this: I had some concerns which I took to my direct supervisor (our vice principal) yesterday morning. Her suggestion was a team meeting after school in which I address these concerns with the group and share my heart, hoping that hearing these things directly from me would fall on receptive ears instead of deaf ones. I was terrified of this thought. I hate confrontation, I hate challenging people, I hate upsetting people, I hate drama, and I hate potentially causing people to think less of me or something of the sort.
Put bluntly, confrontation isn't my "thing". It never has been.
I realized that my supervisor was right, though. I had to take the reigns on this one and share from my heart, my emotion, and my feelings. I couldn't just give her the responsibility of once again approaching them with concerns. We've taken that road, it leads no where. So I agreed to the meeting, and spent the better part of my day worried.
I sat wringing my hands while my students took a final test. In the silence of my classroom my heart was pounding, hands shaking, stomach churning, and knees knocking. I literally thought I was going to throw up into my garbage can at one point. I couldn't eat lunch for fear of what would happen after. I spent part of one class period typing my thoughts and feelings into a cohesive statement that I could refer to when addressing the group.
Overall, I was freaking out.
I've always struggled with confidence in speaking my mind in situations like this. I don't know why, but it has been a lifelong battle. However, yesterday, I faced that struggle head on.
After school, our team sat down and I shared directly from my heart (well, I read from the paper I wrote earlier, but same thing). I shared my frustrations, my concerns, my feelings, and my perceptions. I was shaking as I read the paper, and my voice cracked on more than one occasion as I spoke through tears.
I won't go into what happened next, because there is still a lot to be said, processed, and worked through, I really don't know what the outcome will be. However I do know one thing, I faced a fear head on and did something that gave me a boost in confidence in my workplace. I know there could be fallout and there could be drama, but at least I've taken the step to speak my mind freely and respectfully share my concerns with my coworkers. I feel as if I have opened a gate to allow more honest communication between me and them, and if nothing else, at least they heard me yesterday. It may not change anything, it may make things worse. All I know is my heart is lighter because I took that step and said what needed to be said.
Sometimes confrontation is easy, sometimes it's difficult. I don't really know anyone out there who likes conflict or likes to confront people. I do know that Jesus set an example for confrontation in the Bible. He confronted people on many occasions, and it didn't always look the same. Sometimes He overturned tables at the temple and raised His voice in anger (see Matthew 21:12-13 or Mark 11:15-17). Other times He confronted people in love and gently challenged them to change, like the adulteress woman to whom He simply said, "Go on your way. From now on, don't sin," (see John 8:1-11).
Jesus gives us many more examples of confrontation throughout His walk on this earth, but one thing is always clear. Whether He confronts boldly like at the temple or softly like with the adulteress woman, He confronted with purpose and in love. His anger at the temple came from passion and desire for people to understand and respect that place of worship. His softness with the adulteress came from a deep place of mercy and desire to see her turn from her ways into a walk that would be fulfilling and life-giving.
As with anything, Jesus is our ultimate example of confronting in love. Ephesians 4:15 reminds us to "speak the truth in love" with the purpose behind it being growth. Jesus always pushes us to grow, and confrontation is an avenue of growth. Confronting in love forces a challenge to change something, and encouraging growth by all parties involved.
Growing isn't easy or pain-free. Just think back to when you were a pre-teen and your body would just ache for days on end as your bones and muscles grew. The process can hurt or leave us feeling (or looking) awkward for a season. If you don't believe me, go find a picture of yourself from middle school. One thing we do know is that growth leads to something. It is a process with an outcome, and that outcome leaves us better off than when we started, even if the process was painful or uncomfortable for a time.
Consider the people in your life. Is there someone the Lord is encouraging you to lovingly confront? Whatever you're considering, remember that confrontation in love leads to growth, confrontation out of anything else leads to hurt. Having a heart of love and desire to reveal truth is the spirit of confrontation Jesus calls us to.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)